That's nice. Thank you.
Thanks very much, I appreciate it.
Thank you very much.
Thank you all.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
So let me ask you something.
Let me ask you how's everybody doing tonight
huh?
Good.
Well fuck you.
Just trying to make you feel at home.
Now listen, I've been out here all this time
and I haven't been complaining
about anything yet
so I think it's time
to go into the complaint department.
This is just a series of things
that are pissing me off okay?
A series of things that are pissing me off
cause I don't have pet peeves
I have major psychotic fucking hatreds okay?
And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.
First thing on my list tonight,
airport security.
Tired of this shit.
There's too much of it.
There's too much security at the airport.
I'm tired of some guy with a double digit IQ
and a triple digit income
rooting around inside of my bag for no reason
and never finding anything.
Haven't found anything yet.
Haven't found one bomb in one bag
and don't tell me,
Well the terrorist know
there bags are going to be searched
so now they're leaving their bombs at home.
There are no bombs.
The whole thing is fucking pointless
and it's completely without logic.
There's no logic at all.
They'll take away gun but let you keep a knife.
Well what the fuck is that?
In fact there's a whole list of lethal objects
they will allow you to take on board.
Theoretically you could take a knife,
an ice pick, a hatchet,
a straight razor, a pair of scissors,
a chainsaw, six knitting needles
and a broken whiskey bottle
and the only thing they're going to say to you
is that bag has to fit
all the way under the seat in front of you.
And if you didn't take a weapon on board relax,
after you been flying for about an hour
they're going to bring you a knife and fork.
They actually give you a fucking knife.
It's only a table knife
but you could kill a pilot with a table knife.
Might take you a couple of minutes you know,
especially if he's hefty huh?
Yeah but you could get the job done
if you really wanted to kill the prick.
Shit there's a lot of things you could use
to kill a guy with.
You could probably beat a guy to death with the
Sunday New York Times couldn't you?
Or suppose you just had really big hands
couldn't you strangle a flight attendant?
Shit you could probably strangle two of them,
one with each hand.
You know if you are lucky enough to catch them
in that little kitchen area
before they give out the fucking peanuts you know?
But you could get the job done
if you really cared enough.
So why is it they allow a man
with big powerful hands
to get on board an airplane?
I'll tell you why.
They know he's not a security risk
because he's already answered
the three big questions.
Question number one:
Did you pack your bags yourself?
No Carrot Top packed my bags.
He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson
came over to the house last night,
fixed me a lovely lobster Newburgh,
gave me a full body massage
with sacred oils from India,
performed a four way around the world
and then they packed my bags.
Next question:
Have your bags
been in your possession the whole time?
No.
Usually the night before I travel,
just as the moon is rising,
I place my suitcases out on the street corner
and leave them there
unattended for several hours.
Just for good luck.
Next question:
Has any unknown person
asked you to take anything on board?
Hmm,
but what exactly is an unknown person?
Surely everyone is known to someone.
In fact, just this morning
Kareem and Ucef Allibamgaba
seemed to know each other quite well.
They kept joking about
which one of my suitcases was the heaviest.
And that's another thing they don't like at the airport,
jokes you know?
Yeah you can't joke about a bomb.
Well why is it just jokes?
What about a riddle?
How about a limerick?
How about a bomb anecdote?
You know no punch line just a really cute story.
Or suppose you intended the remark
not as a joke but as an ironic musing.
Are they prepared to make that distinction?
Why I think not.
And besides who's to say what's funny.
Airport security is a stupid idea,
it's a waste of money
and it's only there for one reason,
to make white people feel safe.
That's all, the illusion,
the feeling and illusion of safety
cause the authorities know
they can't make an airplane completely safe.
Too many people have access.
You'll notice the drug smugglers
don't seem to have a lot of trouble
getting there little packages on board do they?
No and God bless them too.
Oh and by the way
an airplane flight shouldn't be completely safe.
You need a little danger in your life.
Take a fucking chance once in a while will you?
What are you going to do
play with your prick for another thirty years?
What are you going to read People Magazine
and eat at Wendy's till the end of time?
Take a fucking chance.
Besides even if they made
all of the airplanes completely safe
the terrorist would simply
start bombing other places that are crowded.
Porn shops,
crack houses,
titty bars
and gangbangs you know?
Entertainment venues.
The odds of you being killed by a terrorist
are practically zero.
So I say relax and enjoy the show.
You have to be a realist.
You have to be realistic about terrorism.
Certain groups of people, certain groups,
Muslim Fundamentalist,
Christian Fundamentalist,
Jewish Fundamentalist
and just plain guys from Montana
are going to continue to make life in this country
very interesting for a long, long time.
That's the reality.
Angry men in combat fatigues
talking to God on a two-way radio
and mothering incoherent slogans about freedom
are eventually going to provide us
with a great deal of entertainment.
Especially after your stupid, fucking economy
collapses all around you
and the terrorist come out of the woodwork
and you'll have anthrax
in your water supply
and serine gas in your air conditioners.
They'll be chemical and biological
suitcase bombs in every city
and I say enjoy it,
relax. Enjoy the show.
Take a fucking chance.
Put a little fun in your life.
To me terrorism is exciting.
It's exciting.
I think the very idea that you can
set off a bomb in a marketplace
and kill several hundred people
is exciting and stimulating
and I see it as a form of entertainment.
Entertainment that's all it is.
Yeah.
But... but I also know that most Americans
are soft and frightened and unimaginative
and they don't realize there's such a thing
as dangerous fun
and they certainly don't recognize
a good show when they see one.
I have always been willing
to put myself at great personal risk
for the sake of entertainment.
And I've always been willing to put you
at great personal risk for the same reason.
As far as I'm concerned
all of this airport security,
all the searches, the screenings,
the cameras, the questions
it's just one more way
of reducing your liberty and reminding you
that they can fuck with you anytime they want
as long as you put up with it.
As long as you put up with it,
which means of course anytime they want
cause that's what Americans do now.
Their always willing to trade away
a little of their freedom
in exchange for the feeling,
the illusion of security.
What we have now
is a completely neurotic population
obsessed with security and safety
and crime and drugs and cleanliness
and hygiene and germs.
There's another thing, germs.
Where did this sudden fear of germs
come from in this country?
Had you noticed this,
the media constantly running stories
about all the latest infections,
salmonella, ecoli, hanka virus, bird flu
and Americans panic easily
so now everybody's running around
scrubbing this and spraying that
and overcooking their food
and repeatedly washing their hands
trying to avoid all contact with germs.
It's ridiculous
and it goes to ridiculous lengths.
In prisons
before they give you a lethal injection
they swab your arm with alcohol.
It's true.
Well they don't want you to get an infection
and you can see their point.
Wouldn't want some guy to go to hell
and be sick.
Would take a lot of the sportsmanship
out of the whole execution.
Fear of, germs why these fucking pussies.
You can't even get a decent hamburger anymore.
They kick the shit out of everything now
cause everybody's afraid of food poisoning.
Hey where's your sense of adventure?
Take a fucking chance will ya?
Do you know how many people
die in this country from food poisoning every year?
Nine thousand, that's all,
it's a minor risk.
Take a fucking chance bunch Goddamn pussies.
Besides what do you think
you have an immune system for?
It's for killing germs but it needs practice.
It needs germs to practice on
so... so listen.
So listen.
If you kill all the germs around you
and live a completely sterile life
then when germs do come along
you're not going to be prepared.
And never mind ordinary germs
what are you going to do
when some super virus comes along
that turns your vital organs
into liquid shit?
I'll tell you what you're going to do,
you're going to sick,
you're going to die
and you're going to deserve it
cause you're fucking weak
and you got a fucking weak immune system.
Now.
Goddamn it.
Hey.
All right.
Let me you tell you a true story
about immunization okay?
When I was a little boy in New York City
in the 1940's we swam in the Hudson River
and it was filled with raw sewage okay?
We swam in raw sewage you know,
to cool off
and at that time the big fear was polio.
Thousands of kids died from polio every year
but you know something?
In my neighborhood no one ever got polio,
no one, ever.
You know why?
Cause we swam in raw sewage.
It strengthened our immune systems.
The polio never had a prayer.
We were tempered in raw shit.
So... so personally I never take
any special precautions against germs.
I don't shy away from people
who sneeze and cough.
I don't wipe off the telephone.
I don't cover the toilet seat
and if I drop food on the floor
I pick it up and eat it.
I eat it.
Yes I do.
Even if I'm at a sidewalk café
in Calcutta,
the poor section
on New Years morning during a soccer riot.
And you know something in spite of all that
so called risky behavior
I never get infections.
I don't get them.
I don't get colds.
I don't get flu.
I don't get headaches.
I don't get upset stomach.
And you know why?
Cause I got a good strong immune system
and it gets a lot of practice.
My immune system is equipped
with the biologically equivalent
of fully automatic military assault rifles
with night vision and laser scopes
and we have recently acquired
phosphorus grenades, cluster bombs
and anti-personnel fragmentation mines.
So when my white blood cells are on patrol
Keeping order in my bloodstream
seeking out strangers and other undesirables,
if they see any,
any suspicious looking germs of any kind
they don't fuck around.
They whip out the weapons,
they wax the motherfucker
and deposit the unlucky fellow
directly into my colon.
Into my colon, there's no nonsense.
There's no Miranda warning.
There's none of that
three strikes and your out shit.
First offense bam into the colon you go.
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
All right.
Oh, and speaking of my colon
I want you to know
I don't automatically wash my hands
every time I go to the bathroom okay?
Can you deal with that?
Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
You know when I was my hands?
When I shit on them.
That's the only time.
That's the only...
and you know how often that happens?
Tops... tops two, three times a week, tops.
Tops.
Maybe a little more frequently
over the holidays, you know what I mean?
And I'll tell you something else
my well-scrubbed friends.
You don't always need a shower everyday.
Did you know that?
It's overkill.
Unless you work out or work outdoors
or for some reason come in intimate contact
with huge amounts of filth
and garbage everyday
you don't always need a shower.
All you really need to do
is to wash the four key areas,
armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth.
Got that?
Armpits, asshole, crotch and teeth.
In fact you can save yourself
a whole lot of time
if you simply use the same brush
on all four areas.
Thank you.
I appreciate it. Thank you.
All right.
Listen I got a few more items
of things that are pissing me off
and this one comes in the form of a question.
Haven't we had about enough
of this cigar smoking shit in this country?
Huh?
When is this going to end?
When is this shit going to go away?
When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid,
overfed, over privileged,
over indulged, white collar,
business criminal, asshole, cocksuckers
going to put out their cigars
and move along to their next abomination?
White pussy businessmen
sucking on a big brown dick.
That's all it is.
Yeah.
A big brown dick.
Sigmund Freud said,
"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Oh yeah, well sometimes it's a big brown dick...
with a fat, arrogant, white-collar
business criminal, asshole
sucking on the wet end of it.
But hey, the news is not all bad for me,
not all bad,
you want to know the good part?
Cancer of the mouth.
Good.
Fuck 'em.
Makes me happy.
It's an attractive disease,
goes nice with a cell phone.
So light up.
Suspend a man and suck that smoke
deep down into your empty suit
and blow it out your ass
you fucking cocksucker.
Thank you.
Hey,
here's another question I've been pondering.
What is all this shit about angels?
Have you heard this?
Yeah, three out of four people
now believe in angels.
What are you fucking stupid?
Has everybody lost their fucking mind
in this country?
Angels, shit.
You know what I think it is?
I think it's a massive collective
psychotic chemical flashback
of all the drugs,
all the drugs,
smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot
and absorbed rectally
by all Americans from 1960 to 1990.
Thirty years of adulterated street drugs
will get you some fucking angels my friend.
Angels shit.
What about goblins huh?
Doesn't anybody believe in goblins?
Never hear about them except on Halloween
and its always negative shit too you know?
And zombies, where the fuck are all the zombies?
That's the trouble with zombies,
they're unreliable.
I say if you're going to buy the angels shit
you might as well go
for the zombie package as well.
Here's another horrifying example,
aspect of American culture,
the pussification,
the continued,
the continued pussification
of the American male
in the form...
yeah all right,
in the form of
Harley Davidson theme restaurants.
What the fuck is going on here?
Harley Davidson used to mean something.
It stood for biker attitude.
Grimy outlaws and there sweaty mamas,
full of beer and crank
rolling around on Harley's
looking for a good time
destroying property,
raping teenagers and killing policemen.
All very necessary activities by the way
but now theme restaurants
and this soft shit
obviously didn't come from hardcore bikers.
It came from these weekend motorcyclists.
These fraudulent,
two day a week motherfuckers
who have their bikes
trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota
for the big rally and then ride around
like they just come in off the road.
Dentist and bureaucrats
and pussy boy software designers
getting up on a Harley
cause they think it makes them cool.
Well hey Skeezits you ain't cool,
you're fucking chilly.
And chilly ain't never been cool.
And here as long as were talking
about theme restaurants,
I got a proposition for you,
I think if white people
are going to burn down black churches
then black people
ought to burn down the House Of Blues huh?
What a fucking disgrace that place is,
the House Of Blues.
They ought to call it
the house of lame white motherfuckers.
Inauthentic, low frequency, single digit
lame white motherfuckers,
especially these male movie stars
who think they're blues artist.
You ever see these guys?
Don't you just want to puke in your soup
when one of these fat, balding, overweight,
over aged, out of shape,
middle-aged male movie stars
with sunglasses jumps on stage
and starts blowing into a harmonica.
It's a fucking sacrilege.
In the first place,
in the first place,
white people got no business
playing the blues ever at all,
under any circumstances.
Ever, ever, ever.
What the fuck do white people
have to be blue about?
Banana Republic ran out of khakis?
Huh?
The Espresso machine is jammed.
Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?
Shit white people ought to understand
there job is to give people the blues
not to get them.
And certainly not to sing or play them.
Tell you a little secret about the blues;
it's not enough to know which notes to play
you got to know why they need to be played.
And another thing, I don't think,
I don't think white people
should be trying to dance like blacks.
Stop that!
Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes.
And that repulsive
country line dancing shit that you do
and be yourself.
Be proud, be white, be lame
and get the fuck off the dance floor.
Now.
I thank you.
Now listen,
long as were discussing minorities
I'd like to mention something about language.
There are a couple of terms
being used a lot these days
by guilty white liberals.
First one is,
happens to be.
He happens to be black.
I have a friend
who happens to be black.
Like it's a fucking accident you know?
Happens to be black?
Yes he happens to be black.
Awe yeah, yeah, yeah.
He had two black parents?
Oh yes, yes he did.
Yes.
And they fucked?
Oh indeed they did.
Indeed.
So where does the surprise part come in?
I should think it would be more unusual
if he just happened to be Scandinavian.
And the other term is openly.
Openly gay.
They'll say, he's openly gay.
But this... that's the only minority
they use that for.
You know you wouldn't say
someone was openly black.
Well maybe James Brown
or Lewis Farrakhan.
Lewis Farrakhan is openly black.
Colin Powell is not openly black.
Colin Powell is openly white,
he just happens to be black.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Oh thank you.
Thank you.
And while were at it
when did the word urban
become synonymous with the word black?
Did I fall asleep for eight or nine years?
Urban styles, urban trends, urban music,
I was not consulted on this at all.
Didn't get an email, didn't a fax,
didn't get a fucking postcard, fine!
Let them go.
And I don't think white women
should be calling each other girlfriend okay?
Stop pretending to be black.
And no matter what color you are
"you go girl"
should probably go...
right along,
right along with "you the man."
Hey you the man.
Oh yeah?
Well you the fucking honkey.
Now something a little more positive for you.
Don't want you to think
the whole show is just negativity.
This is about a festival.
This is my idea for one of those
big outdoor summer festivals.
This is called Slugfest.
This is for men only.
Here's what you do,
you get about a hundred thousand
of these fucking men,
you know the ones I mean,
these macho motherfuckers.
Yeah, these strutting, preening, posturing,
hairy, sweaty, alpha male jack offs.
The muscle assholes.
You take about a hundred thousand
of these disgusting pricks
and you throw them in a big dirt arena,
big twenty-five acre dirt arena,
and you just let them
beat the shit out of each other
for twenty-four hours nonstop,
no food, no water
just whiskey and PCP.
And you just let them punch and pound and kick
the shit out of each other until
only one guy is left standing
then you take that guy
and you put him on a pedestal
and you shoot him the fucking head.
Yeah.
Then you put the whole thing on TV.
Budweiser would jump at that shit
in half a minute.
And guys would volunteer.
Guys would line up
all you got to do
is promise them a small appliance of some kind.
Men will do anything just give them something
that plugs in the wall
makes a whirring noise.
Here's another male cliché,
these guys who cut the sleeves
off of their T-shirts
so the rest of us can have
an even more compelling experience
of smelling their armpits.
I say, hey Bruno shut it down would you please?
You smell like an anchovy's cunt okay?
Yeah.
Not good.
Not good Bruno
and definitely not for sharing.
This is the same kind of guy
that has that barbed wire tattoo
that goes all the way around the bicep.
You've seen that haven't you?
That's just what I need some guy
who hasn't been laid since the bicentennial
wants me to think he's a bad motherfucker
because he's got a picture ahha,
a painting of some barbed-wire on his...
I say hey junior come around
when you have the real thing on there
I'll squeeze that shit on
good and tight for you okay?
No kidding.
This is the same kind of guy if you,
if you smashed him in the face
eight or nine times
with a big chunk of concrete
and then beat him over the head
with a steel rod for an hour and a half
you know what?
He'd drop like a fucking rock.
Like a rock.
Here's another guy thing that sucks.
These T-shirts that say,
Lead follow or get out of the way.
You ever see that?
This is more of that
stupid Marine Corp bullshit.
Obsolete male impulses
from a hundred thousand years ago.
Lead follow or get out of the way.
You know what I do
when I see that shirt?
I stand right in the guys path,
force him to walk around me,
he gets a little past me,
I spin him around,
kick him in the nuts,
rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass
and shove it down his fucking throat.
That's what I do when I see that shirt.
Yeah.
Hey, listen,
that's all these Marine's
are looking for a good time.
And speaking of tough guys,
I'm getting a little tired of hearing
that after six policemen get arrested
for shoving a floor lamp
up some black guys ass
and ripping his intestine's out
the police department announces
they're going to have sensitivity training.
I say hey, if you need special training
to be told not to jam
a large cumbersome object
up someone else's asshole
maybe you're too fucked up
to be on the police force in the first place
huh?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Maybe not, I don't know.
Listen, yeah.
That's right.
You know what they ought to do?
They ought to have two new requirements
for being on the police.
Intelligence and decency.
You never can tell it might just work.
It certainly hasn't been tried yet.
No one should ever have
any object placed inside their asshole
that is larger than a fist
and less loving than a dildo okay?
Now this next thing is about our president.
This is about our president.
Bill Jeff.
Clinton.
I don't call him Clinton I call him Clittin.
Clittin, C-L-l-T-T-l-N, apostroph-e.
His big deal was J.F.K.
Isn't that right?
Love J.F.K.
Wanted to immolate J.F.K.
In every way.
Well J.F.K.'s administration
was called Camelot.
Well what it really should have been called
Come A Lot.
Because that's what he did he came a lot.
So Clinton's looking for a legacy
that's what he should call it.
Well maybe come a little would be better for him
cause he came a little.
You know, a little on the dress,
little on the desk,
not a whole lot really.
Hey he was no match,
no match for Kennedy in the pussy department.
Kennedy aimed high,
Marilyn Monroe.
Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk.
There's a drop off here.
It's a drop off.
Thank you.
Now... I appreciate it.
Something else I'm getting tired of
is all this stupid bullshit we have to listen to
all the time about children.
It's all you here in this country.
Children.
Help the children.
What about the children?
Save the children.
You know what I say?
Fuck the children.
Fuck 'em.
They're getting entirely too much attention
and I know what you're thinking you say,
Jesus he's not going to attack children is he?
Yes he is.
He's going to attack children.
And remember this is Mister Conductor talking.
I know what I'm talking about.
And I also know,
I also know all you single dad's
and soccer mom's
who think you're such fucking heroes
aren't going to like this
but somebody's got to tell you for your own good,
you're children are overrated and overvalued.
You've turned them into little cult objects.
You have a child fetish and it's not healthy.
And don't give me, don't give me that weak shit.
Well I love my children.
Fuck you.
Everybody loves their children.
Doesn't make you special.
John Wayne Gacy loved his children.
Kept them all right out in the yard near the garage.
That's not what I'm talking about.
What I'm talking about is this constant,
mindless, yammering in the media,
this neurotic fixation
that some how everything,
everything has to be revolved around children.
It's completely out of balance.
Listen, there are a couple of things about kids
you have to remember.
First of all, they're not all cute okay?
In fact, if you look at them close
some of them are rather unpleasant looking.
And a lot of them don't smell too good either.
The little ones in particular
seem to have a kind of
urine and sour milk combination or something.
Stay with me on this, the longer,
the sooner you face it
the better off you're going to be.
Second premise, not all children
are smart and clever got that?
Kids are like any other group of people,
a few winners a whole lot of losers.
There are a lot of loser kids out there
who simply aren't going anywhere.
And you can't save them all.
You can't save them all.
You got to let them go.
You go to cut them lose.
You got to stop overprotecting them
cause your making them too soft.
Today's kids are way too soft.
For one thing there's too much emphasis on safety.
Childproof medicine bottles
and fireproof pajamas,
child restraints in car seats and helmets,
bicycles, skateboard, baseball helmet.
Kids have to wear helmets now for everything
but jerking off.
Grown ups have taken all the fun
out of being a kid
just to save a few thousand lives.
It's pathetic.
What's happening is,
all right,
what's happening,
you know what it is?
These baby boomers, these soft, fruity baby boomers
are raising an entire generation
of soft, fruity kids
who aren't even allowed to have hazardous toys
for Christ's sake.
Hazardous toys shit.
What ever happened to natural selection?
Survival of the fittest.
The kid who swallows too many marbles
doesn't grow up to have kids of his own.
Simple as that.
Simple.
Nature, nature.
Nature knows best.
We're saving entirely too many lives
in this country of all ages.
Nature should be allowed to do its job
of killing off the weak and sickly
and ignorant people without interference
from air bags and batting helmets.
Just think of it as passive euthenics okay?
Now here's another example of over protection.
Did you ever notice on the TV news
every time some guy with an AK 47
strolls onto a school yard
and kills three or four kids
and a couple of teachers,
the next day, the next day
the school is overrun with counselors
and psychiatrist
and grief counselors
and trauma therapists
trying to help the children cope.
Shit when I was in school
someone came to our school
and killed three or four of us
we went right on with our arithmetic.
Thirty-five classmates minus four
equals thirty-one.
We were tough.
I say if kids can handle the violence at home
they ought to be able to handle
the violence in school.
I'm not worried about guns in school,
you know what I'm waiting for?
Guns in church.
That's going to be a lot of fun.
And it will happen you watch.
Some nut will go fucking ape shit in a church
and they'll refer to him as
a disgruntled worshiper.
Here.
Here's another bunch of ignorant shit.
School uniforms.
Bad theory.
The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school
it helps keep order.
Don't these schools do enough damage
making all these kids think alike
now there going to get them to look alike too?
And it's not a new idea.
I first saw it in old newsreel in the 1930's
but it was hard to understand
cause the narration was in German.
All right.
One more.
Thank you.
One more item about children
and that is this superstitious nonsense
that blames tobacco companies
for kids who smoke.
Listen kids don't smoke
because a camel in sunglasses tells them to.
They smoke for the same reasons adults do
because it relieves anxiety and depression.
And you'd be anxious and depressed too
if you had to put up with these
pathetic, insecure,
striving, anal, yuppie parents
who enroll you in college
before you're old enough to know
which side of the playpen smells the worst.
And then they fill you full of Ritalin
and drag you all over town
in search of meaningless structure.
Little League, Cub Scouts, swimming, soccer,
karate, piano, bagpipes, watercolors, witchcraft,
glass blowing and dildo practice.
They even,
they even have play dates for Christ's sakes.
Playing is now done by appointment.
What ever happened to
you show me your wee wee
and I'll show you mine?
Hey no wonder kids smoke, it helps.
Not as much as weed
but hey you can't have everything.
You know it's true,
parents are burning these kids out on structure.
I think everyday all children
should have three hours of daydreaming,
just daydreaming.
You could use it a little of it yourself by the way.
Just sit at the window stare at the clouds
it's good for you.
Do you want to know how
you can help your children?
Leave them the fuck alone!
Very well.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
All right now a little change of pace.
Little change of intensity.
I want you to know
what's on television tonight
on the other channels.
Always like people to know what it is
they're missing by listening to my shit.
First of all on the Playboy channel
on the Playboy channel tonight
they have one of those new reality shows
where the people at home send in their own tapes
it's called, Home Videos of Bad Fucking.
And speaking of that delightful activity
I guess you know last week Rickey Lake
had a special program
Women Who Fake Orgasms
so tonight not to be out done
Jerry Springer has a night time special
Men Who Fake Bowel Movements.
Yeah I think they're running out of topics
on those shows too.
Sally Jesse's next show is
Rapist's Who Force Their Victims
to Play Yahtzee Beforehand.
Getting a little strange on daytime TV.
Then later on tonight on the Nostalgia Channel
they're going to play back-to-back
two of my favorite episodes
of Little House on the Prairie.
First of all of the 1975 Christmas show,
A Douche Bag for Clara.
Wasn't that good?
And it was sad toward the end when she cried
cause she stuck it in the wrong hole.
But as they say in the U.S. Navy,
there is no wrong hole.
And then right after that they're going to play
my favorite Little House on the Prairie of all time,
Missy Takes A Big Dump In The Woods.
And that was interesting I thought
cause she had on the high heels
and the long dress
and it was fun to watch
how she had to maneuver through the poison sumac.
And they didn't have toilet paper in those days
she had to use a series of pinecones.
And she was pulling them in the wrong direction.
Yes.
I understand toward the end of the show
they had to bleep out a lot of
screaming and foul language.
And then hey, hey,
later on tonight on pay-per-view,
on pay-per-view Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson's concert is on and TV Guide listed
all the songs he's going to sing.
He's going to start out with one my favorites,
Too Drunk To Jerk Off, isn't that a good one?
God I love that song.
Then he's going to do a series of love songs.
Kiss Me I'm Coming, awe that's a good one.
Kiss me I'm coming.
Hold me I'm humming.
Hmmmm.
Well I can't help it, I am a romantic
and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes.
Here's a sad song,
I should of Fucked Ole' What's Her Name.
Remember that?
I should of never played the game.
I should of fucked ole' what's her name.
Here's one my mother used to sing around the house.
You're Love Ran Down My Leg and Now You're Gone.
Yeah.
That one always got to me.
I'm glad you feel the same way.
Here's a fine love song.
You Blew My Mind Now Blow Me.
He even,
he's even going to do a Stevie Wonder song,
I Just Called To Say I Tested Positive.
Yeah.
Well you don't want to leave anybody out
you know what I mean?
And hey, and hey,
what would a Willie Nelson show be
without a couple of cowboy songs?
He's going to do that one
George Jones and Waylon Jennings wrote,
Drinking Beer, Taking A Shit
and Passing Out.
Then he's going to do a kind of
traditional western song,
one that Gene Autry used to sing
when I was a little boy, It's Midnight in Montana
and I Can't Get My Dick Out of this Cow.
I love that song.
I always liked it.
Yeah.
You know why I like that song so much?
Cause it's a real cowboy song,
and by the way, speaking of cattle fucking,
do you know why it is
when a rancher fucks a sheep
he does so at the edge of a cliff?
It's so the sheep will push back.
Little something for you.
Yes.
Just a little tip for you outdoorsmen
when you're out camping.
Now this next thing is about names
that's all names.
Names are an interest of mine.
Not a hobby.
Hobby's cost money.
Interest are free.
This is just about names.
Did you ever notice how they name singles bars?
Singles bars have all the same kind of
cutesy little one word names that end in 'S.'
Scamps, Tramps, Chats, Rumors, Cahoots, Cheers,
Chances, Mingles, Risks, Gambits, Notions,
hey if I had a singles bar you know what I'd call it?
Nipples and Dicks.
A little truth in advertising.
The Sperm Club.
Snatch-O-Rama.
The Crotchiteria,
Frankie's Fuckery,
Café Vagina, Open All Night.
Well I'm an old fashioned guy.
I'm old-fashioned cause I believe
the name on the outside of a place
ought to let you know
what's going on in the inside.
Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant,
The Mouthful, huh?
Come on that's clever shit,
that's a double pun Goddamn it,
you didn't think of it.
Besides you don't have to eat there
if you don't want to.
No, no, just go in have a cocktail.
Or a high ball.
Here's another name I don't care for,
TGI Fridays.
You know these cutesy ass little places,
TGI Fridays.
That whole TGIF thing was cute for about an hour,
about an hour,
and that was 65 years ago
when someone first said it on the radio.
Not cute anymore,
time to start bombing these locations.
TGI Fridays.
If I had a place like that
you know what I'd call it?
H-S-l-O-W,
Holy Shit its Only Wednesday.
I think people would drink a lot more liquor
if they thought it was Wednesday all the time.
Well I'm just looking for a little honesty
in these names, little honesty.
That's not asking a lot.
I'm thinking of opening up a motel
and calling it The Sleep and Fuck.
Wouldn't that be a good honest name for a motel?
Who needs this Shady Pines bullshit?
The Sleep and Fuck Motel.
Get me one of them big neon signs,
Sleep... Fuck.
Sleep... fuck.
Sleep and fuck.
Sleep and Fuck.
Sleep... fuck.
Sleep and Fuck.
You put it right at the Jersey entrance
to the Holland Tunnel you know?
Actually Fuck and Sleep
would be a little more accurate wouldn't it?
Best name for a motel would be
The Fuck and Smoke and Sleep and Rollover
and Get Out of Bed and Wash Your Crotch
and Go Out and Buy Two Cans Mr. Pibb
and Go Home and Fuck A Whole Lot More.
A whole lot more.
Cause that's all they ever have left
in those soda machines on Sunday nights.
Mr. Pibb and Diet Shasta Orange
and that yellow can
of Canada Dry Tonic Water that nobody wants!
And speaking of naming things,
am I the only person in this country
who's laughing when these commercials
come on television for Snapper lawn mowers?
Isn't there anyone else on this fading republic
who knows what a snapper is?
A snapper is a pussy okay?
That's what it means,
snapper means pussy
It's derived from an older more specific term
snappin' pussy,
which describes a particular type of pussy.
One with good, quick muscular control,
kind of an elasticity in the vaginal wall
that can grab a hold of you
and give you a decent hump
do you know what I'm talking about?
A snappin' pussy.
But now, now snapper means any kind of pussy
and they've named a lawn mower company after it.
Now I have seen a few snappers in my day,
never seen one that'll cut grass.
No.
Maybe do a little edging,
a little edging along the driveway
after a party that's all you can hope for.
But you know weed whacker you can understand.
Now a lot of these company names
and product names
are influenced by marketing
and advertising people
and this next thing is about advertising
and by the way if you should have any
cognitive dissonance about the fact
that I do commercials for 10-10-2-20
and still attack advertising up here
well you're just going to have
to figure that shit out on your own okay?
Now, this is called advertising lullaby.
Keeping in mind of course
that the whole purpose of advertising
is to lull you to sleep.
Quality, values, styles, service, selection,
convenience, economy, savings, performance,
experience, hospitality, low-rates,
friendly service, name brands, easy terms,
affordable prices, money back guarantee,
free installation, free admission,
free appraisal, free alterations,
free delivery, free estimates,
free home trial and free parking,
no cash, no problem, no kidding,
no fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation,
no red tape, no down payment,
no entry fee, no hidden charges,
no purchase necessary,
no one will call on you,
no payments or interest till September.
But limited time only, so act now, order today,
send no money, offer good while supplies last,
two to a customer, each item sold separately,
batteries not included, mileage may vary,
all sales are final,
allow six weeks for delivery,
some items not available, some assembly required,
some restrictions may apply.
But come on in.
Come on in.
Come on in for a free demonstration
and a free consultation
with our friendly professional staff.
Our experience and knowledgeable
sales representatives will help you
make a selection that's just right for you
and just right for your budget
and say don't forget to pick up your free gift,
a classic deluxe, custom designer, luxury,
prestige, high-quality premium,
select gourmet, pocket pencil sharpener.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary,
it's our way of saying thank you
and if you act now we'll include
an extra added free complimentary bonus gift,
a classic deluxe, custom designer,
luxury, prestige, high-quality,
premium select, gourmet,
combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose
in a genuine imitation leather style carrying case
with authentic vinyl trim.
Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary.
It's our way of saying thank you.
Actually it's our way of saying
bend over just a little bit farther
so we can stick this big advertising dick
up your ass a little bit deeper.
A little bit deeper.
You miserable,
no good, fucking consumer asshole.
Cause you do know folks living in this country
you're bound to know,
that every time you're exposed to advertising
you realize once again
that America's leading industry,
America's most profitable business
is still the manufacture packaging,
distribution and marketing of bullshit.
High quality, grade 'A', prime cut,
pure American bullshit
and the sad part is,
is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated
to believe that bullshit
only comes from certain places,
certain sources,
advertising, politics, salesmen, not true,
bullshit is everywhere.
Bullshit is rampant.
Parents are full of shit,
teachers are full of shit,
clergymen are full of shit
and law enforcement people are full of shit.
This entire country,
this entire country is completely full of shit
and always has been
from the Declaration of Independence
of the Constitution to the Star Spangled Banner
it's still nothing more than one big steaming pile
of red, white and blue all American bullshit
because think of how we started.
Think of that.
This country was founded
by a group of slave owners
who told us all men are created equal.
Oh yeah, all men except for
Indians and niggers and women right?
Always like to use
that authentic American language.
This was a small group of unelected,
white male, land holding, slave owners
who also suggested their class
be the only one allowed to vote.
Now that is what's known as being stunningly
and embarrassingly full of shit.
And I think, I think Americans
really show their ignorance when they say
they want their politicians to be honest.
What are these fucking creedents talking about?
If honesty were suddenly
introduced into American life
the whole system would collapse.
No one would no what to do.
Honesty would fuck this country up.
And I think deep down Americans know that.
That's why they elected
and re-elected Bill Clinton.
That's right.
Because, because the American people
liked their bullshit right out front
where they can get a good strong whiff of it.
Clinton might be full of shit
but at least he lets you know it.
Dole tried to hide it didn't he?
Dole kept saying, I'm a plain and honest man.
Bullshit.
People don't believe that.
What did Clinton say?
He said, Hi folks.
I'm completely full shit and how do you like that?
And the people said, You know something?
At least he's honest.
At least he's honest
about being completely full of shit.
It's just like the business world.
Same as business.
Everybody knows by now all businessmen
are completely full of shit.
Just the worse kind of low life criminal,
cocksuckers you could ever want to run into.
The fucking piece of shit businessman.
And the proof of it, the proof of it is
they don't even trust each other.
They don't trust one another.
When a businessman sets down
and negotiates a deal
the first thing he does is automatically
assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick
who's trying to fuck him out of his money.
So he's got to do everything he can
to fuck the other guy a little bit faster
and a little bit harder.
And he's got to do it
with a big smile on his face.
You know that big bullshit businessman smile
and if you're a customer whoa,
that's when you get the really big smile.
Customer always gets the really big smile
as the businessman
carefully positions himself
directly behind the customer
and unzips his pants
and proceeds to service the account.
I'm servicing this account.
This customer needs service.
Now you know what they mean.
Now you know what they mean when they say,
We specialize in customer service.
Whoever coined the phrase,
"let the buyer beware"
was probably bleeding from the asshole.
But that's business.
That's business.
But in the bullshit department,
in the bullshit department
a businessman can't hold a candle
to a clergyman.
Cause I got to tell you the truth folks,
I got to tell you the truth,
when it comes to bullshit,
big time, major league bullshit
you have to stand in awe,
in awe of the all time champion
of false promises and exaggerated claims
religion,
no contest.
No contest.
Religion,
religion easily has
the greatest bullshit story ever told.
Think about it.
Religion has actually convinced people
that there's an invisible man living in the sky
who watches everything you do,
every minute of every day
and the invisible man has a special list
of ten things he does not want you to do.
And if you do any of these ten things
he has a special place full of fire and smoke
and burning and torture and anguish
where he will send you to live and suffer
and burn and choke
and scream and cry forever and ever
till the end of time.
But he loves you.
He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
He always needs money.
He's all-powerful, all perfect, all knowing
and all wise somehow just can't handle money.
Religion takes in billions of dollars,
they pay no taxes,
and they always need a little more.
Now you talk about a good bullshit story,
holy shit!
Thank you.
But... thank you very much.
But I want you to know,
I want you to know something,
this is sincere, I want you to know
when it comes to believing in God
I really tried.
I really, really tried.
I tried to believe that there is a God
who created each of us
in his own image and lightness,
loves us very much
and keeps a close eye on things,
I really tried to believe that.
But I got to tell you the longer you live,
the more you look around,
the more you realize something is fucked up.
Something is wrong here.
War, disease, death, destruction, hunger,
filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption
and the Ice Capades
something is definitely wrong.
This is not good work.
If this is the best God can do
I am not impressed.
Results like these do not belong
on the resume of a supreme being.
This is the kind of shit you'd expect
from an office temp with a bad attitude.
And just between you and me, between you and me
in any decently run universe
this guy would have been
out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.
And by the way,
I say this guy because I firmly believe,
looking at these results, that if there is a God
it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever
fuck things up like this.
So, so,
lf,
If there is a God, if there is,
I think most reasonable people might agree
that he's at least incompetent and maybe,
just maybe doesn't give a shit.
Doesn't give a shit,
which I admire in a person
and which would explain a lot
of these bad results.
So rather than be just another
mindless religious robot,
mindlessly and aimlessly
and blindly believing that all of this
is in the hands of some spooky
incompetent father figure
who doesn't give a shit,
I decided to look around
for something else to worship.
Something I could really count on
and immediately I thought of the sun.
Happened like that.
Overnight I became a sun worshiper.
Well not overnight,
you can't see the sun at night
but first thing the next morning
I became a sun worshiper.
Several reasons,
first of all I can see the sun
okay?
Yeah.
Unlike some other God's I could mention,
I can actually see the sun.
I'm big on that.
If I can see something, I don't know,
it kind of helps the creditability along you know?
So everyday I can see the sun
as it gives me everything I need
heat, light, food, flowers in the park,
reflections on the lake,
an occasional skin cancer but hey
at least there were no crucifixions
and were not setting people on fire
simply because they don't agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple,
there's no mystery, no miracles,
no pageantry, no one asks for money,
there are no songs to learn
and we don't have special building
where we all gather once a week to compare clothing.
And the best thing,
the best thing about the sun
it never tells me I'm unworthy.
Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person
who needs to be saved.
Hasn't said an unkind word.
Treats me fine.
So I worship the sun
but I don't pray to the sun
know why?
I wouldn't presume on our friendship.
It's not polite.
I've often thought people treat God
rather rudely don't you?
Asking up trillions and trillions of prayers everyday.
Asking and pleading and begging for favors.
Do this, give me that, I need a new car,
I want a better job
and most of this praying
takes place on Sunday,
his day off.
It's not nice and it's no way to treat a friend.
But people do pray and they pray
for a lot of different things.
You know you're sister needs an operation on her crotch.
Your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall.
But most of all you'd really like to fuck
that hot little red head
down at the convenient store.
You know the one with the eye patch
and the clubfoot huh?
Can you pray for that?
I think you'd have to.
And I say fine, pray for anything you want,
pray for anything but
what about the divine plan?
Remember that?
The divine plan;
long time ago God made a divine plan.
Gave it a lot of thought,
decided it was a good plan, put into practice
and for billions and billions of years
the divine plan has been doing just fine.
Now you come along and pray for something.
Well suppose the thing you want
isn't in God's divine plan.
What do you want him to do
change his plan just for you?
Doesn't it seem a little arrogant?
It's a divine plan.
What's the use of being God
if every run down schmuck
with a two-dollar prayer book
can come along and fuck up your plan?
And here's something else,
another problem you might have,
suppose your prayers aren't answered,
what do you say?
Well it's God's will.
Thy will be done.
Fine but if it's God's will
and he's going to do what he wants to anyway
why the fuck bother praying in the first place?
Seems like a big waste of time to me.
Couldn't you just skip the praying part
and go right to his will?
It's all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this
I decided to worship the sun
but as I said I don't pray to the sun.
You know who I pray to?
Joe Peshi.
Two reasons, first of all I think he's a good actor
okay?
To me that counts.
Second,
he looks like a guy who can get things done.
Joe Peshi doesn't fuck around.
Doesn't fuck around.
In fact,
in fact, Joe Peshi came through
on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
For years I asked God to do something
about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog,
Joe Peshi straightened that cocksucker out
with one visit.
It's amazing what you can accomplish
with a simple baseball bat.
So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now
and I noticed something.
I noticed that all the prayers
I used to offer to God
and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Peshi
are being answered at about
the same fifty percent rate.
Half the time I get what I want,
half the time I don't.
Same as God, fifty-fifty.
Same as the four-leaf clover
and the horseshoe,
the wishing well and the rabbit's foot.
Same as the Mojo man.
Same as the Voodoo lady
who tells you your fortune
by squeezing the goat's testicles,
it's all the same fifty-fifty.
So just pick your superstition, sit back,
make a wish and enjoy yourself
and for those of you who look to the Bible
for a moral lessons and literary qualities
I might suggest
a couple of other stories for you.
You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs,
that's a good one.
Has a nice happy ending.
I'm sure you'll like that.
Then there's Little Red Riding Hood
although it does have that X-rated part
where the big bad wolf
actually eats the grandmother,
which I didn't care for by the way.
And finally I've often always drawn a great deal
of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty.
The part I like the best,
all the king's horses and all the king's men
couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty
and there is no God.
None, not one, no God, never was.
In fact, I'm going to put it this way,
if there is a God,
if there is a God
may he strike this audience dead.
See nothing happened.
Everybody's okay all right.
Tell you what,
tell you what I'll raise the stakes.
I'll raise the stakes a little bit;
if there is a God may he strike me dead.
See nothing happened wait
I got a little cramp in my leg
and my balls hurt.
Plus I'm blind.
Now I'm okay again,
must have been Joe Peshi.
God Bless Joe Peshi.
Thank you all very much.
Joe bless you.
Thank you all very much.
I appreciate it.
Bye bye.
Have fun.
Good.
Thank you very much.
Have a good time,
Have a good time, thank you.